The Double Contraction - I'ven't

Contractions are silly little things in our language. I could go Google or Wiki their origin, but I'm lazy. Years ago - many years ago at this point - I came up with my own contribution to the Engrish language. I called it the double contraction... I'ven't.

The word I'ven't isn't some tribal name of the Na'vi or anything. I'ven't simply means "I have not". Now, unless my Engrish teachers lied to me all those years ago, it is grammatically correct to supplant the "I have" in "I have not" with "I've" to make "I've not". Additionally, it is also grammatically correct to replace the "have not" in "I have not" with "haven't" to make "I haven't". So what I proposed all those years ago (and even insisted on using in everyday speech and in some papers in high school) is to take that extra step in language obfuscation and make the double contraction I'ven't.

Do you see I'ven't in your copy of Webster's? No. Obviously I failed since it never caught on. But why shouldn't it? Brevity seems to be all the rave these days. And we as a culture love our acronyms.

We can even use variations of I'ven't... we'ven't, they'ven't. Or how about I'mn't. I'ven't thought of that one before (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!?! DID YOU? DID YOU?????????). Maybe even weird ones like she'sn't (although, admittedly, that sounds more like Snoop Dogg's slang for "shit"... as in, "da shiz-nit"). But I digress...

(that is to say, I digress from this blog post of a digression in the first place)

I am officially opening my vocabulary to the double contraction again. I will look for opportunities to insert it into everyday conversation. You will see it rear its ugly head on this very blog. Beware, the next fish fry I attend or family get-together may play victim to the double contraction. You've been warned!